Motherhood is like a monastery …
it’s a sacred place, apart from the world,
where a seeker can figure out what matters
and catch glimpses of God.  It’s also like being pecked to death by merciless chickens.
-Glennon Doyle Melton

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Saturday morning.  Ahhh, Saturday morning  The stuff dreams are made of…

6:57am

Offspring 1: “Mom?  Mama, it’s 7.  Can I get in?  Can you scoot over, Mama?  Can I have some of your blanket?”

Me: “It’s Saturday.  Remember our deal for Saturdays?  No waking up Mama and Papa.”

Offspring 1: “Mom?  Mom, can you move over?   Mom?  What are we doing today, Mama?   Can you move over, Mama?  I need some more space.  What are we going to do today, Mama?”   “Mom.  What are we going to do today?”  

“Do you know that school starts in 4 days, Mama?   Don’t you think you should enjoy every minute with your boys, Mama?  Don’t you think you should enjoy every minute with me?”

Yes, enjoying this very much.

7:37am

Offspring 2: “Mama, see this?  See this, Mama!”  (Does some sort of…dance move?  It’s unclear).

“Did you like that, Mama?  Do you want to see me do another one?  Hey, what’s that?  Is that for your hair?  What does it do?  What’s it for?  Could I have some?”

“Why?  Why does it do that?  Why do you use that?  Is it sticky?  Will it make my hair wet?”

8:16am

Offspring 1: “Could I have some more milk?  Did you decide what we’re going to do today, Mama?  Is it going to rain?  It looks like it’s going to rain.  Do you think it’s going to rain, Mom?  Should we check the weather, Mom?”

Offspring 2: “Could I have some yogurt?  And honey!  Oh!  And granola!  Wait!  Could I have a hug?”

It’s still early so this is still adorbs.  The first time.

Offspring 1: “Mama, do you call me lovey?”

I do, sweet boy.  I do.

“Why, mom?  Why do you call me lovey?  Do you like calling me lovey?  Do you sometimes want to call me your love bot instead?  Wouldn’t that be funny if you called me your love bot?”

Sigh.  Yes, yes, so funny, that would be.

Offspring 1: “Papa, do you want to look at the National Geographic with me?”

Offspring 2: “Mom, see this?   Want to see how Puppy can bounce the big red ball?”

Yes, yes, of course I do.  I’ve been waiting for you to ask.

ME: “Ok, fellas, give us a minute so that Papa and I can talk and figure out what we’d like to do after breakfast.”

Followed for the briefest of moments by SILENCE.

Ahhhhhh.

Offspring 2: “You aren’t talking.  Why aren’t you talking?  I thought you were going to talk about what to do today?  When are you going to start talking?”

9:34am

Driving out to Douthie Park for some mountain biking in Issaquah.  Jason and I talking to one another in the quietest of voices, hoping to speak without interruption for a minute.

Nope.  Not happening.  Offspring 1 hears me utter the words, “wow, that’s hard core” as Jason and I discuss some of the downhill biking gear you can get for your kids these days.

Offspring 1:  “What’s hardcore?  What does hard core mean, Mom?  Oh, we’re not very hard core are we, Mama?  Am I hard core?  Do you wish I was hard core?”

Offspring 2: “What’s bar core?”

No, we explain, it’s hard core, not bar core.

Offspring 2: “Yeah, but what is it?  What’s BAR core?”

Nothing.  Bar core is nothing.

Offspring 2: “Yeah, but what is it?  What’s Bar core?”

NOTHING-OH-MY-GOSH-IT’S-NOT–A-THING

10:58am

On Bootcamp Trail with Offspring 1 hot on my heels.

Offspring 1: “What’s a boot camp, Mama?  Is that where you go to camp with your boots on?   Caution… trails merging.  Mama, what’s merging mean?  Mama!  MAMA I CAN’T SEE YOU.  MOM!!! 

11:13am

Watching Offspring 2 work the BMX trail.  He is on his 19th lap.

Offspring 2: “Are you watching me, Mama?   Mama!  Are you still watching me, Mama?”

Yes, my love, I’m still watching.

Offspring 2: “Watch this, Mama!  Want to see this?  I’m going to go off-roading, are you watching?”

Offspring 2: “Did you see that, Mama?  Did you like that?  Mama, I feel like you aren’t really cheering for me.  Why aren’t you cheering for me?  Are you going to cheer for me?”

12:30pm

Driving home early because Jason twisted his ankle badly when he went for a brief and blissful ride on one of the harder (read: ALSO VERY QUIET) trails.

Offspring 1: “What’s the plan for lunch, Mom?  Do you see what time it is, Mom?  Is it time for lunch?  Do you think we should stop somewhere for something to eat?”

Offspring 2: “This drive is taking forever.  How long is it?  How long are we going to be in here?   What if my whole body explodes because I don’t like it in here.”

Yes, what if?

2:17pm

“Quiet Time”

Offspring 2: “Mom!  I’m going poop!  Will you come sit with me?  Mom?  Did you hear me, mom?  I’m GOING POOP!”

You mean I’m invited?!  Let me just grab the popcorn.

Offspring 1: “Mom, what time is it?  Can we come down yet?  Can we use brother’s spy watch to check what time it is?  What time can we come downstairs?”

Oh, just the same time that you have been coming downstairs for ALL ETERNITY.  3:30 and you aren’t even close, praise be.

5:57pm

Jason has his hugely swollen ankle on ice and the boys are sitting with him, working on some sort of programming app on the iPad while I rummage through the fridge for dinner options.

Offspring 1: “Can I try, Papa?  Can I take a turn?  Papa, can I?”

Offspring 2: “Want to do the cow sounds on there, Papa?  Should we do the cow sounds?   Do you want to do the cow sounds?”

Offspring 1: “Nooooo, Papa!  You just deleted my fart music!  Oh my gosh, why did you do that?  Why did you delete my fart music?  Can we get my fart music back, Dad?  Papa?  Papa?  Papa, will you get my fart music back?

Weeping.

Me: “Ok, let’s be done with that, shall we?  Why don’t we go out to dinner or outside or throw ourselves off the nearest cliff or ANYTHING THAT WILL MAKE YOU STOP SAYING FART MUSIC.